02/05/05 alicia returns, and it looks like she's brought back those double-D porn breasts that clark loved so much. but this time, she ain't crazy. well, she still is sort of, but clark appears to be unfazed by this fact. or he's just horny, which is a forgivable offense because i was beginning to think that everyone in smallville had been spayed or neutered. (hmm, maybe that's why jonathan and martha had to adopt.)
guess who's coming to dinner.
lana is mad because alicia tried to kill her before. remember that? when alicia felt threatened by clark's "love" for lana? yeah, i tried to block that episode from my memory, too, in order to replace it with more useful things, such as how to stick chopsticks in my mouth and imitate a walrus.
a string of attempted murders begins to occur, landing the likes of lana and jason back in hospital for the billionth, kajillionth time. lana gets some bandaids after someone tries to make her their personal blow-up doll, and jason gets some be-a-man-and-take-it pills, after proving himself a wuss when someone tries to choke him with a paper-thin scarf. uh, i hope these people have medical insurance. i know the show is filmed in canada and all, but we sure as hell aren't paying for their universal healthcare.
clark begins to grow suspicious of alicia, despite her protests that she's changed and would never want to hurt lana. i mean, who would want to hurt lana? it's not like anyone's ever tried to kill her in a previous episode. never. anyway, clark sees the scarf that was used to strangle jason, a scarf he just saw alicia wearing, and decides to turn his new arm-ornament in to the authorities. whoops, turns out he was wrong and alicia was actually with the sheriff the entire time, giving her an airtight alibi.
meanwhile, alicia is, like, totally PO-ed when clark accuses her of the crimes, and decides to let chloe in on his little secret. she devises an elaborate plan in which clark unknowingly shows his powers to a hidden chloe. chloe is shocked... and a littled turned on. after all, super-power must mean super-penis.
with lois's help, clark discovers that the real culprit of the attempted murders is none other than shaggy from scooby-doo, or some ugly hobo they found eating out of a dumpster behind the talon. shaggy has been trying to frame alicia for the murders in order to cover up his darker, more sinister motive: to restore smallville's morality. WTF, mate? you call that a motive? world domination, riches, revenge -- all decent evil-doer motives. but morality? that concept flew out the window when lana somehow forgot that whitney, her first love, died and fails to mention his name ever again.
clark knocks shaggy out, but it's too late -- shaggy got his menacing tentacles on alicia and hanged her. clark is distraught over the fact that he could have saved alicia, his annoying parents trying to help him assuage his grief. hello, are we forgetting that they're the ones to blame for her death? turning their son against her, questioning their relationship, constantly guilt-tripping him for having a girlfriend... they're just sad that they haven't had sex since 1982. (hmm, another potential reason for their having to adopt.) self-righteous bastards.
LESSON OF THE WEEK / i am the walrus, coo coo ca choo!
Natasha 02/06/05
God how I love your reviews :D
alan 02/06/05
smallville it's grrrrrrrrreat
micah 02/15/05
heh heh milk cows.
meek 02/18/05
wow! loking at that picture you put up of lana just surprised me! she looks more and more like a normal human being everday i see her. in a few years, i think she might even look like a prehistoric cave woman. kudos to you lana, kudos! *snarl*
mercury 03/03/05
Did you realize that lana used to be one a kokanee girl? Ding Dong.
angry turd 03/03/05
you mean LOIS was a kokanee girl?
mercury 03/04/05
Whoops! That's who I meant. I can't edit my post.
jenn 05/19/05
can't we kill lois yet? please? i'll be good. and lets frame lana. yes... that'll work. we'll beat her to death with a rubber chicken. *is evil*
Gunnhilder 05/21/05
i have to say, your reviews are truely inspiring. although some more pictures would be nice. maybe a close up of alicia's double-D porn breasts ;p
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we are not affliated with smallville, its cast, or creators. we just think they're funny.
