DULLSVILLE characters

clark kent / a.k.a. pretty farm-boy

and they told me i'd never publish my memoirs; i sure showed them.

hi, my name is clark kent. you might remember me from such tv spots as judging amy and that raisin bran commercial that aired in 1992 during prostars. but i'm really only seventeen years old; can't you tell by the exceptional amount of stubble growing on my chin and my crazy-long sideburns?

i'm really close with my parents. i love them lots. but sometimes they really get on my nerves with how over-protective they are. i mean, i can't even masturbate in my bedroom without one of them coming in to ask where all of the hand lotion went. uh, moving right along...

i'm in love with lana lang. she's the coolest. she doesn't really have a personality or a variety of facial expressions, but, then again, neither do i. what matters most is that we are put together in the most contrived situations where i manage to rescue her from freaks/potential rapists/psycho stalkers, and that solidifies the fact that we must indeed love one another.

i am also faster than a speeding bullet. but i can't really put that on my résumé, so i'll probably just end up working at burger king.

lana lang / a.k.a. brooding cheerleader

mom, dad... i don't care if you're dead! feel sorry for me!

i'm lana lang, the adorable girl next door that you just can't get enough of. i'm smart, funny, talented, and sufficiently melancholy and introspective if need be. i'm like the modern version of that cyber-chick those nerds made in weird science. not that i was alive when that movie was made because i'm a only teenager -- seriously, i am.

i'm in love with clark kent. we don't really match physically or in other other way, come to think of it, but we love each other so much. i'm only seventeen, but i know what love is because my parents died and they were really in love.

oh, i didn't mention that my parents were dead? well, they are. very much so. i was just a baby when it happened. i hardly mention it only because i don't want people to feel sorry for me that i'm a lonely orphan with no one to care for me. tissue?

lex luthor / a.k.a. misunderstood rich kid

i finally bought myself a wig, and all of the other pretty accessories to match it.

luthor. lex luthor. charmed of course. i like to recite john donne poems and julius caesar quotes at a moment's notice. i had a lot of time to memorize such useless trivia when i was a bald headed little kid growing up in smallville. my father was never around much, but it's not as if i hold a grudge against him or anything.

i've never had a real love in my life. well, unless you count my mother, but that was just an oedipal complex -- and a very slight one at that. i've been married twice (if you count the time i was under the influence of some soap opera hottie's pheromones), but dr. helen bryce still holds my heart. she may have tried to kill me recently, but we would hardly be family if we didn't try that every fortnight.

clark kent is my best friend. i know, he's a seventeen year old kid who hasn't even fully completed puberty, but his stubble tells me otherwise. he's very mature for his age; one could even mistake him for twenty-five. haha! his friends kind of bug me, though. but not lana. i often feel sorry for her because both her parents are dead. that's why i let her run the talon, despite what a shitty entrepreneur she is.

chloe sullivan / a.k.a. lousy reporter

where the @#$% is clark?!

greetings and salutations. i'm chloe sullivan. i'm the witty and inquisitive lois lane-type that was needed on the show, so -- ta da! -- here i am. i'm in love with clark and nobody knows that, even though every time he mentions lana my face turns into a gigantic leaking prune. but i'm ok with it. i don't like bottling bad feelings inside of me. that's why i took on a job with lionel luthor to spy on clark, because what i can't have, i stalk.

my other best friend is pete ross. he's black. i have a black friend. isn't that cool? especially in smallville where the ratio of caucasians to african americans is at an all-time low. he taught me his secret ghetto handshake. we plan to use it if ever our bodies get taken over by aliens and we need to make sure we're really our gangsta selves.

and did i tell you just how much i love my hair? i like to dye it, fry it, shear it with hedge-clippers... i just have a hoot playing with my hair. birds have been trying to lay their eggs in it recently, though. i'm not quite sure what to make of that.

pete ross / a.k.a. token black guy

i was beaten up and stuffed in a trunk for five days! and nobody noticed?

i am pete ross, the only black person in smallville, it seems. i like doing typical african american things like playing basketball and acting as dj on the turntable. i try to use the words "wassup" and "yo" when i can, but in smallville people just think you're whack. or an alien.

clark's my boy. he's been with me since the beginning. of what, i'm not sure, because the show started when we were fifteen and all of a sudden we're able to rent ferraris and drive harley davidsons down the highway. yo, that shit is whack! we must be growing up really fast or something.

i hint that i have a crush on chloe sullivan, because we've been friends for so long. but the truth is: i love lana lang. don't ask me to explain why i love her, i just do. she's smart, funny, talented, and sufficiently melancholy and introspective if need be. she's like the modern version of that cyber-chick those nerds made in weird science...

jonathan and martha kent, lionel luthor / a.k.a. peripheral old people

we wear diapers.

we're the adults of the show.

we don't really do much except get in the way of those young'uns. we have our own storylines, but mostly we're boring and stereotypical characters who add nothing to the show except plot devices which entangle our offspring in more intriguing storylines.

if it were up to us, this show would be about rogaine, menopause, and dukes of hazzard.